Can You Be Too Hands On?

 No, I am clearly not talking about me. I tell Alexis to "try doing it yourself" and "just a minute, I have to finish this first" way too many times in a day. That topic can be a guilt-ridden post for another day. The completely hands-off moms are also a topic for another day (get off your iPhone and talk to your kid for one second! Didn't you choose to stay home and raise your child?). Today I have to discuss the too hands-on moms at the park. I have seen things of this nature many times, but I saw a ridiculous mother the other day that actually inspired this blog post. Perhaps the term ridiculous is too harsh, but I am rarely accused of mincing my words and being too gentle.

 I am all about talking with your children and having fun with them and being a part of the activities, as opposed to just sitting on the sides with coffee and another mom all day every day. But it is okay to let your kid do a little exploring and playing and doing on his own. Please stop following your 3-year old around the entire park with your hands outstretched like he is going to break his neck with every step. Please stop encouraging him to go interact with every new kid that comes to the playground. Please stop putting him into and taking him out of the swing every 3 minutes. Please stop chattering at him about everything he sees, hears, and feels. And most of all, when having a conversation with another adult who is at the bottom of the climbing wall, please don't sprint away in mid-sentence because your preschooler is about to come down the slide and you aren't waiting at the bottom with a huge smile and an encouraging "good for you, Logan!".

 He is 3 years old and will be in school in 2 years. How can he ever make friends with your incessant hovering and meddling? He might fall. He will get up and try again. He may get turned away by a peer who doesn't want to play with him. Wipe off his tears, give him a hug, and send him back out there. When he fails a test, it is him who needs to study harder next time, not you. When he gets dumped by a girlfriend, it is him who will have to mend his broken heart and ego, not you. When he doesn't make the Varsity football team, it is him who will have to find another activity to fill his Autumn, not you. Relax a little, mom.

 As parents, we need to be our child's advisory council, therapist, nurse, tutor, nutritionist, coach, and cheerleader. Most importantly, we need to figure out how to always let our children know we love them no matter how much they fail, fall, or disappoint. We need to dispense hugs and kind words, but withhold the judgement. We need to discipline, but not punish. We need to let them live their lives and help them when they need it and ask for it. This starts by letting the toddler wear whatever garish outfit she picks out before heading to the grocery store. And allowing the Kindergartner to try ice skating even though he is the klutziest kid in the history of the world. And letting your 9 year old go to that first sleepover, even though you are pretty sure she will call you at 11pm crying and wanting to come home. And encouraging your Freshman in high school to try whatever extracurricular they are interested in, even though you know he will never make the final cut for the musical since he cannot carry a tune.

 Let the freedom begin at the playground. Let your child go and play. Of course interact with him some of the time, but also let him just be. He will be okay entertaining himself and figuring out how to fill his time at the park. He knows you are over there loving him the whole time. And because you already enjoy playing with him, he also knows he has someone to eat his pretend cookies when he is ready to take them out of his toy oven.

Daddy Has Returned--Blessing or Curse?

 I realize I have not been blogging much since Nick left his old job, took a week off, and began his new job with much better hours. It is like I actually have a life again and am busy living it instead of writing about it. However, did I mention that my husband is now home all the time? Okay, perhaps only weekends, every other Friday, and by 6:30 during the week, but it feels like all the time. My kingdom is being disrupted.

 I missed dual parenting and having someone else around to laugh with when our kid does something ridiculous. I missed being able to make plans with other couples. I missed watching Gopher basketball, Twins baseball, and Packer football with another rabid fan (sports are just not as much fun on your own!). I have my partner and best friend back. I have Alexis's father back. I have someone to help with chores and do man-jobs around the house.*

 But. There's always a "but". I have to give up control now. I no longer make all the decisions about outings, schedules, TV watching, food, etc. There is another adult in the house who has an opinion! No one warned me that it would take me longer to adjust to a positive change like this. I was fed up with solo parenting and making all the decisions. However, being judge and jury, while exhausting, is also quite a strong feeling of power not easily relinquished. Furthermore, when the child was in bed, the house was mine. Mine to do anything I wanted. I could enjoy the quiet or listen to music loudly. I could make whatever vegetable and flaxseed dish I wanted for dinner and eat when I wanted. I could go to bed at 8:30 without so much as a sarcastic comment about how lame I was. That part was kind of nice.

 That being said, I wouldn't go back. I am enjoying having Nick home, able to watch Alexis as she is right now. Not looking at pictures and hearing stories of our adventures, but being a part of them. Living with us as a husband and father, not just as the guy who funds our house and bills. I may not have the time to blog as much about my days but that is because there is a wonderful man in the house making me laugh, occasionally making dinner, and even changing a few diapers. My husband is back and I love it.

*Nick removed the old and installed the new over-the-range microwave and lifted and cleaned our moldy bathroom flooring all in one weekend.

Pumpkin--The New Superfood?

  It is that time of year; I am becoming obsessed with pumpkin. One half-cup serving of pureed pumpkin has only 40 calories, ½ g of fat, 4g net carbs, and 2g of protein. Who can’t benefit from adding 5g of fiber to their diet? It should be considered one of the superfoods! I am experimenting with recipes and seeing what will benefit from the addition of pumpkin.

  I make my own pumpkin café au laits, pumpkin cream cheese, and pumpkin smoothies. I add it to plain hummus and mashed potatoes. But the most creative place I have used it is in chili. Seriously! Using a 3:1:½ ratio, take your basic homemade chili and add pumpkin puree and chopped green chilies. It adds health benefits and richness to a cool-weather staple.

  And for anyone with children who need a nutrition boost in their diets, try adding pumpkin to oatmeal or pancakes. If you have a child that will falter at the thought of pumpkin, you can try to hide it in basic tomato sauces or use it in the cooking water next time you make rice. Alexis actually eats pumpkin puree by itself with a spoon. I stir in a little agave nectar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger and she chows down.

  The following recipe for Pumpkin Pancakes comes from Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives on The Food Network.

Pumpkin Pancakes

  The other idea is to use pumpkin in a much more classic way, such as in a dessert. Nothing beats autumnal treats as Halloween and Thanksgiving creep closer. The following recipe is for pumpkin cookies.

Pumpkin Cookies

  Of note, when I make these cookies, I make it a generous ¾ c of pumpkin and I omit the raisins in favor of chopped walnuts.

  Happy pumpkin eating!

A Magic Moment

The following moment occurred while we were on vacation. Alexis is quite a spitfire. Like most toddlers, she is constantly going, going, gone. Add a fun new location to the mix and we had a little tornado on our hands! However, on our last day in San Francisco, we went down to the waterfront and Alexis played in the sand. She was calm, tranquil, and happy while she watched a ship in the port. It was impossible not to watch her, completely mesmerized. It was magical.

This is my link-up for Shell's My Magic Moment.

Suburban Hell--Keeping Up With the Joneses

  I am not immune. I find myself constantly noting where Alexis falls on her age scale. Is she big enough? No. Is she verbal enough? Yes, she could give grade-schoolers a run for their money. Is she coordinated enough? No, total klutz (Nick's genes). Is she artistic? Musical? Competitive?

  I heard it at the park the other day when I was chatting with a couple other moms about preschool. Mom A was discussing the advantages of a $395/week Montessori over a "cheap" daycare with a curriculum. I am pretty sure cheap is still around $200/week. She was talking about how she felt totally uncomfortable even walking around the daycare, in fact, I believe her actual phrase was "I wanted to shower as soon as I got home" followed by peals of giggles. When Mom A made that remark I glanced at Mom B assuming she would mirror my slight horror at what was just said, but she was laughing too. Mom B responds with "I don't even know why lower income kids bother with preschool. They will be behind in school anyway." Why am I talking with these women?!? Oh, and for the record, I was at a park in a wealthy suburb where there really aren't any low income kids and the daycare is likely more immaculate than my house. Wait, that doesn't say a whole lot. Well, either way, by no means is the daycare filthy, gross, or unhygienic. And I bet it has the same educational standards at the Montessori school down the street.

  Anyway, this conversation continued with both mothers comparing their preschoolers. They asked how old my daughter is and when I said "She is only two and a half, so no preschool for us yet! We are just doing ECFE once a week", I was promptly mentally dismissed. How tragic. I stayed to listen though because I couldn't believe how arrogant these two women actually were, essentially just because their husbands make a lot of money which affords them luxuries others aren't privy to.

  This was the conversation, with some mild paraphrasing due to the fact I am not a journalist and don't own one of those nifty recorders.

Mother A: "Bella actually counts up to 2 now. I could just listen to her all day counting her dollies, 1-2."

Mother B: "That is so precious! Eddy won't count. It might bore him. He is much more physically active. He tries so hard to tie his shoes like his older brother, but they are velcro!"

A: "How adorable! I am sure Bella could tie her shoes if we were working on that. But we are encouraging her to follow her interests. She could play with her dollies all day. Just counting them. We should get her more dollies so we can hear her count higher! Does Eddy say his alphabet yet?"

B: "Yes of course. He almost writes his name too! It looks a little like squiggles but he knows what he is trying to write."

A: "My Bella just won't sit long enough to learn to write. I bet she could write her name if she had more focus. But if she is not a focused kid, then we will just learn to deal with that. We are very loose in our house, we give Bella her freedom. That is why she needs Montessori. They can help her focus."

  I could go on and on because this inane conversation went on and on. Mercifully, Alexis came over shortly after and asked to swing. In fact, she said quite clearly in her piping little voice "Mom, can you push me on the baby swing?" She is very articulate and I love that I can communicate so clearly with her (and have been able to do so for months!).

  Yes, she now calls me Mom and yes, I can brag too.

Life Is Settling Down

  Thank God.

  I haven't posted in awhile due to absolute turmoil at home and literally no time. August was an emotional whirlwind. First, we went on vacation. Then, we came home from vacation. Nick went to work the following day and was told we were relocating to Eastern Washington, however, he was still going to be on night-shift Turnaround all of September. I was going to be relocating us practically by myself. Oh yeah, and doing it all with Alexis. Finally, after beginning to pack, locate a renter for our home, and coordinate all those obnoxious moving details, Nick got a job offer from a company he had interviewed with a couple months earlier.

  Every now and then the stars align and you actually get what you are hoping for and, needless to say, Nick accepted this new position and job offer. As of October, Nick will have the job he wants, working normal hours, every other weekend is a 3-day weekend, and no more Turnarounds. We both get the location we want, since I don't think either of us really wanted to leave Minnesota. It may be brutally cold in winter and stiflingly humid in summer, but it is home. And it has been for 12 years.

  This is simply a post to say sorry for the absence but I swear I had my reasons. Now back to normal. Or rather, better than normal.

San Francisco

San Francisco Parks

  We went to San Francisco. At least 15 things probably just popped into your head as you wonder what we could have done in such a historic, interesting city. Did we tour Alcatrez? Cross the Golden Gate Bridge? Walk the famous Lombard Street?

  We saw the city in terms of children's parks. We went to a park at Yerba Buena Gardens, Golden Gate Park, Chinatown, Nob Hill, and The Presidio. We even spent a huge chunk of our time at the San Francisco Zoo playing at the playground. Some parks were old and out-dated, some were extremely cool. One even had a 20-foot slide that Alexis bravely went down. There were wood, plastic, and metal playsets. There were mostly sand bases, however one of the parks had that spongy blue base. We found swings, teeter-totters, diggers, and bridges. Alexis even tried a tire swing at one of the playgrounds

  Nick and I are already envisioning our next trip to San Francisco. It will include Alcatraz, Coit Tower, the Muir Woods, the Saturday Farmer's Market, and a trip to Wine Country. We may be empty-nesters when we get back, but we will have to do the city sans children!

  A few pics from San Francisco...from the parks of course! No scenic predictable shots here.

  We had a wonderful trip and it was a terrific week of quality family time. But I think we could have had the same fun in Omaha, NE. Maybe we will go there next year.

Hotel Housekeeping

  The best part of staying at a hotel on vacation is the fact that no matter what you do to your living space, someone else cleans it up. Genius. However, now that we travel with a child, we need to prioritize our Housekeeping time. After all, not disrupting Alexis during nap is a common goal. So we ask ourselves, how few times in one week can we have the garbage taken out to avoid things growing in the trash can? Do we really need someone to change the sheets on the bed? Do we vacuum our own carpets in a week's time? There is much strategy and thought that goes into vacations with a toddler and managing hotel in-room service is one of them.

  You know those signs you hang outside your hotel door that say "Please Do Not Disturb"? Yep, I hung it on our door this morning so Alexis could nap today without Housekeeping coming in to disturb us. After all, yesterday was a very long travel day for all of us and included no quiet time whatsoever. Today is a day for restoring our energy and sanity. Hooray for naptime! Do. Not. Disturb.

  So what does Housekeeping do? They call our room to double-check that we meant to hang the sign on our door.

  Sigh.

A Glimpse At Toddler Concentration

My Toddler Is Ready For Vacation--Am I?

  Alexis' backpack is packed. She knows which favorite blanket is coming with her. Her luggage is filled with my old tank tops that she wears as dresses. The DVD player is charged, crayons are organized, and stickers are waiting to be stuck. For the last 13 mornings, Alexis has asked if it is "San Cisco" time yet. With every airplane we see in the sky, Alexis reassures herself that it is not going to San Francisco. After all, the plane going to San Francisco cannot be departing without us on it. Makes perfect sense.

  Alexis is ready for vacation.

  What I don't think she is ready for is the 4 hour direct flight from Minnesota to California. Alexis is a good traveler. No, scratch that, she is a great traveler. But she is still a 2 1/2 year old on an airplane for 4 hours. It will be her fifth flight, but the longest straight stretch of time. I used to try to find direct flights for us because they make life so much easier. Now I think it might make life a little more inconvenient.

  Let me regale you with my basic tenet of air travel with a child: throw the rules out the pressurized triple-paned window. Give the child whatever he wants*. Candy, DVDs, juice, popcorn, markers, Play Doh, you get the idea. For the sanity of every single person in the airplane, make your kid think that flying is the single coolest adventure he could embark on.

  However, for a 4 hour flight with my toddler, I think it might not be enough. I have flown with her a few times by myself and this flight with a second adult is making me more anxious than those. I have the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse DVD, the Word World DVD, stickers, coloring books, dry erase boards/markers, M&Ms, lollipops, sugary snacks, salty snacks, tons of books, her Taggie blankets, and a couple favorite stuffed animals. Even with all that, I think I am going to be entertainment central. For 4 hours. And I am going to be like the flashy, loud, brand-new Christmas morning toy after 90 minutes. Thrown into the corner and forgotten for her favorite book.  Hopefully I remembered to bring that one.

  Here's hoping she doesn't kick my ass.

  When we return, I will post with a review of how the flights went!

*Exception: headphones for DVD players/tablets and no loud electronic toys or musical instruments. There are 182 other people on the aircraft who don't think your child is adorable, interesting, or gifted.

Goodbye Minneapolis

Can't Ever Be a First-Time Parent Again

  And would I want to? It is a tough question. There are so many perks to being a newbie in the whole parenting game. Most importantly, you only have one child to deal with. I am thankfully still in this stage, but soon enough (big picture) I will be outnumbered.

  Ah, the blissful days of a newborn. Despite the milking, sleeplessness, and worrying, it is a time of peace and calm and joy.  So why didn't anyone tell me that I wouldn't properly enjoy it? I was concerned with finances, infant development, and photography instead of sleeping, reveling, and relaxing. Also, chores. When I think of all the time I could have been doing chores when Alexis was immobile and actually took naps. What was I doing during that time? Now when she has Quiet Time all I can do is sit and pray for sanity.

  I don't want to go back to newborn days, but I wish I could have the same time with the next child. I could take all the things I learned from the first one and apply them to number 2. But life doesn't work like that.

Rockin' The Baby--Time Flies

I cannot believe my little girl is already 2 1/2 years old! I honestly feel like it was just yesterday that she was swaddled and red-faced and tiny. It is no secret that I have the itch. I want to add to our family; add to the fun, add to the chaos, add to the love. One child is simply not enough!

Alexis Grace arrived!

02/18/09
6lb 11oz, 18in

The brand-new happy family.

Nick was on baby duty. At least he kept her safe! Not killing Alexis was the main goal the first few weeks.

Chillin' with Grandma.

Before we knew it, she was finding joy in everything around her...

...and we were still smiling!

When I think about those first few months with Alexis, I don't remember all the tedium, worry, and exhaustion. All I remember is the love.

Above is a rare shot of me and Alexis (I always have the camera). And below is Alexis today. Happy, healthy, and in a rare moment of tranquility. It is a captured moment like this that solidifies my desire to rock another baby.

Swimming

  What is it about splashing, digging, sunny days, and hot weather that tuckers us out? My child and husband are currently napping upstairs, a common occurrence after a beach day. The house is quiet, peaceful, and cool. Unlike this morning which began in chaos.

  What is it about getting ready to swim that is so chaotic and disorganized? Swimsuits are scattered, sunscreen is always practically empty, and sand toys are not in the tote bag in the car (who moved them?!). Alexis whines about what snacks she wants while I am trying to locate everything, pack bags, and tug on my swim shorts, all while finishing the last of the blessed coffee. Should we just plan a picnic lunch? I positively answer my own question and proceed to add "pack picnic lunch" to my growing beach day to-do list. Nick offers to help with anything, but explaining to him exactly what I want done would take as long as me just doing it (right?).

  I keep checking the clock because the 7-minute-away beach opens at 9:00 and all the good shady spots are usually taken quickly. I don't want to get there too much after 9:00 or we will be relegated to the boiling sunny sandy patches. Load the chairs, pack the cooler, bag the snacks, remember water for everyone, take 3 towels, and throw in changes of clothing for everyone. Oh my God, sunscreen Alexis before we get in the car so it has time to set before she washes it off in the water hole! Finally, something Nick can do. I wonder if he will remember to use the stick on her face and not just spray the aerosol around her eyes and mouth?

  Everyone is ready, let's go! Wait! I need to grab my book, just in case Alexis plays by herself for a few blissful minutes so I can enjoy some leisure time of my own at the beach. Okay, we're off. Whew, we will only be a few minutes late.

  We pull in to a deserted parking lot, no one is at the beach yet at 9:21. I have never had such choice with the umbrellas! Which shady spot do we want? The one close to the bathrooms? Or the one that the shade reaches down to the water? Do we want one that is near the lifeguard stand? Very tough decisions. Finally after much deliberating (does Nick even like me at these moments?), we head to a shaded spot. We unpack and begin to play. I don't need my book, we barely take a break to eat lunch, and the sunscreen likely washes off on contact with the water. Eventually, at 1:15 we decide to call it a day and head home.

But what a fun day. So relaxing! Now what to plan for this afternoon?

Newborns--Do They Hear Us?

  I was on a walk with Alexis the other day and we were a few paces behind a mother with a newborn. I am talking alien-faced, barely-10-lbs, still-red-and-wrinkled newborn. For the record, mom looked good. I wouldn't judge her if she looked bad, but damn she looked amazing. Amazing. Anyway, there was a family of ducks swimming in the water hole and we both stopped to look and discuss with our children.

  Alexis was watching and talking about what she was seeing. I have to admit I wasn't listening to my child at all. I was totally wrapped up in my compatriot. The other mom was describing everything to her infant. She was mentioning the colors of the ducks, the sounds of the family, the babble of the water, the slight breeze that was blowing, the warmth of the sun, etc. It was incredible. She was eloquent and descriptive. The way she explained senses and feelings was pure poetry. I was mesmerized by her detailed prose. Even Alexis ceased babbling for a brief second to listen. This woman had me hanging on her every word, wanting to answer her questions about what I was seeing and hearing and experiencing.

  And her baby was asleep through all of it. But what a fantastic teacher he has to guide him for his many awake moments in the future.

Who Created Moon Sand?

  Moon Sand is this magical sand that is for the indoors. It never dries out, it is highly moldable, and comes in bright fun colors. Alexis got the Bake Shop set for her birthday, which has pink, purple, and white sand, plus some extra blue sand. Needless to say, all her sand is now purple, which she loves. Everyday Alexis wants to make cupcakes with frosting, tarts with fruit, and big cakes. She molds them and then takes them over to her IKEA kitchen to bake on her cookie sheet. She uses an old house phone as her business line and ends each call with "Thank you for your business, bye bye!". So creative, clever, and non-weather dependent.


  I despise Moon Sand. It is sand, so it gets into everything. Every crack. Every crevice. Under fingernails. Between toes. I cannot sweep it up. I try repeatedly, but I just cannot get it all. Also, Alexis wants me to play it with her every time. I am the master baker, stirring the sand in the stand mixer. Forming all the minuscule treats and adhering their frosting caps. Patting the tarts and creating the large cakes, making the flower decorations to place on the top. Then I need to pretend to eat them and gush over how fabulous they are. Finally, I make half the pretend phone calls to Daddy so he can order custom-made treats "for pick-up or delivery?".


  Alexis needs to learn how to play with this onerous toy on her own. I don't mind doing it with her occasionally, but it would be much better if this was a solo endeavor on her part. I don't need to develop my fine motor skills or use this as an outlet for my creative genius. I would like to leave those things up to Alexis. I will ooh and ahh over her lovely desserts and even be her delivery woman, but I want to leave my fingers out of the Moon Sand!


  So far, Moon Sand might just be the world's worst invention. And my 2 year old loves it.

Potty Training - A Parent's Everest

   I haven't heard of a Kindergartner going to school not being potty trained. So why all the fuss, stress, and worry over the toilet? Some parents do infant potty learning, many parents begin when their child is a toddler, and a few others are forced to wait until their child is old enough that intense bribery works.

  There is pressure from society ("most children are trained by 2"), grandparents ("you were out of diapers by 18 months; one day I just said 'sit on the potty' and you did it), and daycare centers ("our policy is that your child cannot move into the preschool room until he is 33 months or potty trained"). But in reality there are basic body functions that cannot be forced, barring medical intervention via tubes, if the child is not ready, like sleeping, eating/drinking, and excreting.

  Alexis is not quite 2.5 years old. Since she has always been a fastidious child and a fast learner, I bought some underwear before she showed any interest. Being the Type A freak I am, I wanted to make sure that if she wanted to wear panties one day I would be prepared. Well, about a month ago she did decide that she wanted to wear underwear and try sitting on the potty. Over the course of 8 days, she had many makes, became an expert at holding her pee (I am talking for like 7+ hours), many misses, and never once attempted a poop. Her biggest hurdle was focus; pausing in her day to go sit on the potty and focus for just a couple seconds before resuming her activity. Then one day, about a week later, she went cold turkey on the training and requested diapers again. Okay by me.

  That last statement is the amazing thing in all of this. For me, I think I handled the Alexis-led potty training as well as I am ever going to. I was anxious about it because I want her to succeed. But I didn't vocalize any of my frustrations. I think Alexis felt relaxed to make the choice, to pee or not to pee.

  I currently believe Alexis doesn't have the emotional maturity to work on potty training and lacks a little body awareness. Again, part of the learning is knowing when you have to go (pee-check), being calm enough to eliminate in the potty (pee-check), and being able to tear yourself away from your toys to go do it (eh). When I say body awareness, I am referring to BMs. Just yesterday we were upstairs right before Quiet Time and she was running around naked. When she chooses to be naked, I remind her that since she is not wearing diapers she needs to try to go in the potty because we do not pee on the floor. "Okay Mommy!". So she is playing and then she stops and looks at me, bends over a little, and says "Mommy I toot!". I looked at the floor and said "No, Alexis you pooped." This little girl is a rule-follower who loves announcing her toots. Clearly she doesn't quite have the difference between fecal states of matter down yet. Good to know in terms of potty training.

  I am sure Alexis will reach an age at which I get more frustrated if she isn't grabbing the concept of using the potty. In another year if this is still an issue, I will likely be implementing the sticker charts, M&Ms, and big prize techniques that are more appropriate for a preschooler. But until then, I am approaching it in a very she-will-get-it-when-she-gets-it approach. I make sure she knows she is loved whether she pees in the potty, diapers, or her underwear. I encourage all parents to just relax and let your kids lead you down the path of using the potty. They will get it.

  I will end with the following vignette. Alexis knows the proper anatomical body part names of everything. Yes, everything, and she has known them for months. She likes information and I see no need to teach her cutesy names for things. That being said, about a week ago, we came inside from sand and water play. Because it was right before bedtime, she was naked before we went upstairs to get ready for sleep (I swear she wears clothing most of the time). I reminded her that since she is not wearing diapers she needs to try to pee on the potty or tell me she needs a diaper. She instantly ran over to the potty. Being that Alexis is a rule-follower, I thought there had been a miscommunication and she thought she needed to sit on the potty regardless of personal need. I told her once that she doesn't need to sit on the potty unless she needs to go. "Okay Mommy!". After a couple minutes of sitting spread eagle on her potty chair, Alexis unabashedly looks down between her legs and exclaims "Mommy! My vagina is working today!". She peed. Hooray for small victories and the simple excitement of a toddler.

Coffee

  I realize this is not a super important topic. But at the same time it is. Could any parent really function without coffee? I know I couldn't. Everywhere I go, I see parents chugging Starbucks, Caribou, Dunn Brothers, or their own House blend in an eco-friendly travel mug.
  
  Is it a mental crutch? Is it an addiction? Does the aroma inspire us to be better parents and not think about how many times we got up throughout the night? Can we drink our java and ignore the tantrums more efficiently? Does the caffeine allow us to get through each mind-numbing yet chaotic day with our children? Is the pleasure of each hot sip enough to sustain us while we are digging in the sandbox or drawing on the driveway with chalk?

  Do we have a better relationship with coffee than our own parents? 

  Now for the important question: how on earth will I have baby #2 when I have to give up caffeine during pregnancy? It is not so much the 3 days of headaches, shakes, and waking in cold sweats (it might as well be heroin), as much as what happens after the addiction is kicked. I have a 2 year old who is an early waker, not a napper, and has the energy potential of a hurricane. Coffee gets me going first thing and then through the entire morning. Not only will I be hormonal and living with the changing pregnancy body, but now I have to keep up with a toddler at the same time? With NO COFFEE?! I used to judge parents who only had one child; now I understand it is simply that there is no perfect age of a child to deal with caffeine-free. Let's not even delve into the breast milk caffeine limitations. I am looking at 12-15 months of limited and/or no caffeine. And a toddler. 

  That's enough for now. I am getting overwhelmed just thinking about it. Time to perk myself up by grinding some Guatemalan beans and turning on my auto-drip.

Embrace Who You Are

  I was at the park the other day and was talking to a mom of a just-turned 3 year-old.  She was avidly complaining about her inability to shed the last 20lbs of baby weight.  I mentally questioned the term "baby weight" 3 years post-birth, but to each her own.  During our 15 minute conversation, I saw this mother consume a small bag of Skittles, 2 smushed Reese's peanut butter cups, half a PB&J, a few goldfish crackers, and a can of Coke.  

  Let me preface any further discussion of this topic with the fact that I am not naturally svelte.  I have to exercise and eat responsibly to maintain a semblance of "thin".  Don't get my husband started on "Mel snacks".  I will give you a hint--think flax, spelt, vegetables, or some combination of the 3.  Either way, if someone doesn't want to be responsible for what they put in their body, fine, but please don't waste my time complaining about the consequences.  Accept your habits and the correlating weight and move on.  

  As the whining reached a fever pitch, I had to interrupt her.  I could not help myself.  I inquired as to her diet and exercise lifestyle.  Believe me, I was all set to suggest a couple of uninvited weight loss tips.  She explained how she never eats breakfast, has only small lunches and dinner, doesn't believe in snacking, and has to have a glass of Pinot Gris at night to settle her nerves.  She also said she is just really tired all the time and has no time or desire to exercise after an entire day with a 3 year-old.  Her last remark hit a chord.  Despite all the nutritional misinformation within her answer, I avoided advising her to be more honest with herself about her habits.  Instead I gave her my gut reply, that I totally understand feeling like there is no time to exercise and the couch looking more inviting than the treadmill.  Believe me, this was not lip-service.  

  I enjoy exercise.  I feel great after a workout.  However, after having Alexis, I find it extremely difficult to get going some days.  In fact, due to the depressive nature of this past winter in Minnesota, I took an unfortunate and unexpected hiatus from formal workouts and relied on chasing around Alexis to burn calories.  I can tell you, there is not the endorphin high from that kind of exercise as the sweat-dripping kind from the gym.  It feels good to really get my body moving.  That being said, there are some days I just don't want to go work out and I want to eat a big bowl of ice cream after dinner.  And you know what, I feel good about those days too.      

  The real point of this post has nothing specifically to do with exercise and calories.  It has everything to do with acceptance.  Don't make excuses to a virtual stranger at the park who you fear is judging you and your extra 20lbs.  Don't let yourself believe that there are perfect people/parents/bodies out there.  We are all flawed and all need to just deal with it.  You will feel better once you start embracing your flaws and your strengths and even viewing your perceived traits in a different light.  Yes, my park compatriot feels she is 20lbs too heavy, but perhaps she is the best singer of "B-I-N-G-O", a wonderful preschool zoo chaperone, and does the most impressive voices while reading bedtime stories.  Maybe her son loves having a mom who has a little softness to her because that means she gives the most fantastic loving bear hugs.  It's possible her husband has never noticed the baby weight because she is such a terrific mother to his child. 

  How can we teach our children to accept themselves and others, if we cannot model that behavior for them?  Shouldn't we show them how its done?  

  Being direct and honest has no hidden agenda but can leave you feeling like you have an incurable case of verbal diarrhea.  Sometimes you leave a situation, not wishing you had avoided the truth, but that you had just held your tongue.  When our 15 minutes was over and it was time to go our separate ways, the last thing I said to the mom at the park was that I bet she's a fabulous mother and I am sure her son thinks she is beautiful.  She gave me a huge smile.  Maybe I will skip the exercise-fueled endorphin rush tonight and think about that smile instead.  While I am enjoying a big bowl of ice cream.

Are We Ever Satisfied?

   Does anyone know why it is that all children are never satisfied with one treat? You do something special for them, like give them ice cream or M&Ms or let them watch an extra episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Once they are done with the treat (or perhaps even while they are still “enjoying” the treat), they ask for more. Drives me nuts. I realize children lack perspective, but it screams of greed and gluttony when children act like spoiled little piggies and demand more goodies.   
  
  How do we learn to appreciate what we have and enjoy the good things we’ve got? Do we ever learn? Or do we model insatiable behavior to our children by always needing more, better, faster. 

  It makes me wonder if it takes loss, disappointment, and emptiness to truly grasp what having something special means.  I can't imagine any parent wants those things for their children.  In fact, I have to believe most parents would try to adjust the world in a way that would allow their kids go as long as possible before experiencing those feelings.  In life, there are more failures than successes, more nos than yeses.  Our children will be turned away more often than they are accepted.  It will be heartbreaking the first time this happens with Alexis.  I will probably cry with her the first time she comes home upset because her friend says a mean thing to her.  Perhaps it will be in my best interest to remember that each successive hurdle she faces will make her a stronger, better, more independent person.  Keeping that in mind might help me become the best parent possible.  
  
  After all, although we are raising our kids and trying to help them become fabulous people, shouldn't we be remembering to better ourselves along the way?

Who Made the Rules?

  Why do we give in to our kids, when we know in our heads that we should stand firm on some unknown grounds. No dessert before dinner, no more than 1 hour of television, one package of fruit snacks is enough, no spending the whole day in pajamas, etc. Who made those rules? If someone made the rules, why do we all break them?

  For a SAHM or SAHD, we need silence. Our days are filled with chattering, bickering, singing, reading aloud, and other general noise. We know silence is unachievable, but we long for even a few moments at a time. For working parents, the guilt of not seeing their children all day/night/week, is overcome by giving in to their demands. Special treats earn smiles, hugs, and “I love yous”, which are precious commodities for parents who spend their days away earning money. 

  I know “the rules” but I also break them regularly. It’s not worth the battle when Alexis asks for “one more Mickey, please?” So I say yes because it buys me 22 more minutes of peace and after all, she used her manners. That is worth something, right?

There Should Be Parenting Classes

  I saw an epic parental fail today at the Children’s Museum, a testament to selfishness and spoiled behavior. Child A got the last shopping cart at “Our World” (a room that has a child-scale grocery store, post office, sound studio, restaurant, and more—very cool). Child B got there a second too late and also wanted to cart. Mom A noticed this and asked her child if he would share with Child B. Child A acquiesced and gave the cart to Child B. Child B’s mom didn’t say anything when this all went down. Okay, I would have forced Alexis to say “thank you” or turn down the shopping cart, but overall not a big deal.

  However, about 10 minutes later, Child A was still patiently waiting for a shopping cart. Child B was playing with the cash register while keeping one hand on the shopping cart, so as to not let any other children play with it. Mom B is watching him do it. Mom A encourages her son to go over and ask Child B if he can use the shopping cart, since he is using the cash register instead. Mom B has been watching the entire time. Child B yells “mine” and runs away with the shopping cart. Child A starts to cry at this time and Mom A has to console her son. You are probably guessing Mom B does nothing. False! In fact, she goes over to her child and (I am almost sorry I was in earshot of this) says “Good job! Don’t let other kids take what is yours.”

   
  Huh? Is Mom B praising her son for being rude and egocentric? I should be prepared for this kind of thing, but usually even misguided parents are making some kind of effort.

  
  I admit I didn’t say what I wanted to say to Mom B in this situation; I took the passive-aggressive route. Alexis had somehow wrangled a shopping cart through all this drama between Children A & B. I told her (loudly) that her turn was over and it was Child A’s turn with the shopping cart since the carts are there for everyone to use. Bless her heart, she gave it directly to Child A and said “here you go! It’s your turn now!” I knew deep down Mom B wasn’t paying attention and wouldn’t have cared even if she was paying attention. But at the end of the day, I am glad I had the child who shared and was proud of being a good friend. At least on that day at the Children’s Museum.

Parenting--It's All in the Effort

  Let me not mince words, some children have awful behavioral moments.  We have all seen that child at the grocery store/museum/theater/etc. and wondered how did that come to be?  Why is this child lashing out and how is the parent handling it?  More importantly, would I do the same thing in this situation?

  Then I debate if some children really are tougher to raise, despite all the best efforts?  Or are some great children spoiled by lazy, ineffective, inconsistent parenting?  Sadly, I don't buy into the "bad seed" belief and I tend to blame the parents.  I am not perfect and I certainly have my moments of weakness, but I like to continually think about and assess my parenting...my actions, my words, my thought processes, my areas of inadequacy.  Since this is the job I have chosen to undertake, I feel it is my duty to apply myself to it as though I was employed.  In some allusive way, I am employed by civilization to raise an ethical and productive member of society.

  In our house, we employ the Family TREE: Trust-Respect-Education-Empathy.  These are the tenets that we each need to strive towards, for ourselves and for others.  Being only 2, Alexis has yet to truly test rules, but already we direct misbehavior to the TREE.  What did you do wrong?  What could you have done instead?  What branch does this fall under?  I am sure Alexis doesn't grasp most of what we are saying, but she hears the words and sees the consistency.  Likewise, good moments and choices are praised and also applied to the TREE.  The other day, Alexis took a toy from her friend.  She looked at me and before I could react in any way, she gave the toy back, "here you go!".  I told her that was the right thing to do and that she showed a lot of respect for her friend by giving the toy back.
    
  We believe in right and wrong, in being parents first, and in the basic Judeo-Christian ethic of  behavior.  Sometimes things are not fair, sometimes we lose, and sometimes we witness poor choices.  However, each action is unto itself and every bad decision can be turned right.  Each new moment has the possibility to be handled in a positive way.  The goal is to turn on more lights than we turn out.  By no means am I a perfect parent and I have a long way to go, but I often wish all parents cared about their job as parents as much as their employment.  Its not always knowing what to do, its trying to do something.  Who knows if this TREE concept is a good one?  But I feel strongly in that I am making the best effort I know how.  And when I witness a child making poor choices, I hope the parents attempt to grasp the learning moment at hand and teach their child a way to turn the situation right.      

Why Begin Again?

And more importantly, why did I start in the first place?

  I am the married mother of a wonderful daughter, Alexis, born 02/18/09.  I am a pretty straight shooter and having Alexis did not alter that at all.  In fact, it might be worse now more than ever.  However, I have been told by numerous people with and without children, that I say many of the things they are thinking.

  In relation to my child, I believe she was only 3 days old when I said she bore a greater resemblance to a Venusian neighbor than to anyone from this planet (much less me!)  Since then, although I love and adore Alexis more than anyone else, the honest truth prevails when I look at her.  I will tell you that she is over-dramatic, quite clumsy, and a tad spoiled.  She is in the 5th percentile for height and weight, she has little interest in any kind of fine motor skill, and has an even shorter attention span than most 2 year-olds.  

  That being said, Alexis spoke her first understandable word at 8 months old when she pointed at a friend's cat and said "kitty". The friend responded "Yes that is our kitty...wait, did you just say 'kitty'?"  Alexis' verbal skills are off the charts and I love it.  No really, I do.  It is wonderful to have a child who does not have to resort to temper tantrums because no one understands him or her (how frustrating for most toddlers and their parents!). Yet, my patience is tested all day long because my child never stops making noise.  Yes, you read that correctly: noise.  Sure, her vast vocabulary is fantastic...sure, I always know what's on her mind...sure, she knows I understand her.  As you are potentially wondering why I am complaining about this, please try to come up with one person you know that you honestly want to hear talk all day, that you actually want to hear every thought bubble that pops into his head, that at some point doesn't make you want to throw a shoe at his head if he says one. more. word.

  For anyone who currently is raising an adolescent (or God bless you, has successfully sailed through that stormy season and come out on the other side), I apologize for whining about the communication.  I am sure I too will long for these days when I couldn't get Alexis to stop talking.  But I am not there yet.  My perspective on a daily basis is rooted in toddlerhood.  Its reverse Charlie Brown-adult noise, "wah wah wah wah wah wah".  My daughter is quite possibly the world's chattiest 2 year-old.  I have been asked if I think Alexis is some super brilliant child.  The answer is quite simply no.  Alexis fools people by continual vocalization.  If you are around her, you hear every single thing that pops into her head.  She needs to learn that not everyone cares about every thought process she has!  Discretion please Alexis; wait for the quarter before dispensing a gumball.

  I am irritated daily by the endless sound of my daughter's voice.  By 6:00pm, I would rather see the verbiage swirling around a wine glass than pouring out of her mouth.  But I listen and she talks and we have discussions because she is my daughter and I feel it is my obligation to hear her voice.  There are enough people in her life that will metaphorically and literally tell her to shut up.  I cannot be one of those people.  

  So to answer my own question above, while I may say the things other parents are thinking to other adults, I cannot bring myself to say them to Alexis.  She deserves more than that.  So I will write them here.  Hopefully someday she can read them and laugh, but until then, I am one giant ear with which to listen to the babbling flow of her words.